Issue 5: The Care Factor

Hello! Welcome to my newsletter.

The purpose of this newsletter is to share with you how I handle every day life with ADHD, but without ADHD medication. I will share tips, tools and strategies for you to introduce in to your own life so you too can manage your ADHD.

Time to read: 4m42s

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This week I thought I’d tell a little story…

When I lived in Australia I had a job at a photocopier company. I worked in accounts receivable and also helped input sales from time to time.

I was about 27, it was 2012 and I had no idea at this point that I had ADHD, I don’t even know if I really even knew what ADHD was, I probably just thought it was something only hyperactive boys could have!

I was very forgetful, and this sometimes (actually a lot of the time) led to me forgetting things in this particular job. Sometimes it was little things and it didn’t really matter, other times it was actually important things, like inputting a sale…. which a result of me not doing this would be customers not getting those copiers!

It got that bad that my boss called a meeting with me. He explained that I really need to start remembering things, and that “I’m sorry, I forgot to do that” wasn’t an acceptable excuse.

One day, when I had yet again forgotten to do something, a colleague in the office sparked up this conversation with me:

Her: It’s your care factor

Me: It’s what?

Her: It’s not about your memory, you’re not forgetful. It’s your care factor.

Me: What does that mean?

Her: Your care factor, you don’t care, so you don’t do it. If you actually cared about the tasks, you would do them.

Me: I’m pretty sure I’m just forgetful…

Her: Nope. Your care factor is at zero, you don’t care about this job, you don’t care about inputting a sale, therefore you don’t do it.

Me: Hmmmm…

This stuck with me until I got diagnosed in 2021, it stayed with me for 9 years. I genuinely believed that I just didn’t care about things, and that’s why I didn’t do them. Someone told me that they didn’t think I cared, and I believed them.

Let me tell you this, and if you already know me, you will already know this…. I care, I care A LOT. In fact, most of the time, I care too much.

Yet I let a colleague (she was basically a stranger to be honest) shape my life for almost a decade.

I lost quite a lot of friends through the symptoms of my ADHD, and my memory was one of the biggest factors. I would forget I had made plans, I would double, triple, f*ck even sometimes I would quadruple book myself, and I was continuously cancelling on people. One of my friends even started counting the amount of times I had let him down (he reckons we got up to about 13 in a 1-2 year period!!).

I double booked myself for a friends hen do once (pre-diagnosis). I was emigrating to Australia with my Australian (now ex-) husband and my high school friends wanted one last hurrah. We booked to go glamping one weekend, but I got my dates mixed up (as per) and it was the same weekend as my friends hen do. I let my friend know, profusely apologised and explained what I’d done. I explained to her that I was going to miss her hen do, as my high school group of friends now lived all over the UK and we wouldn’t be able to get in another date, where we could all make it, before I left. I promised I’d still be at the wedding, and apologised for causing any inconvenience.

She uninvited me from her wedding and cut off our friendship.

I was absolutely gutted, and I felt so sh!t, so ashamed, so guilty, so embarrassed for letting her down. I beat myself up over that for years, years. I was convinced I was a terrible friend, and a terrible person.

As I’m sat here writing this, my eyes are filling with tears, and I just feel so sad. Not because of letting my friend down, not because I was/still am extremely forgetful, but because I have beaten myself up for the last 30ish years thinking I wasn’t good enough. I am sad for the person I could have been and the life I could have enjoyed if I had just been given the chance.

Once I got my diagnosis and I started to realise that all the things I’ve been told, for most of my life, are not true. I’m not a bad person, I’m not a bad friend, I’m not lazy, I’m not too sensitive, I’m not forgetful because I don’t care, I’m not stupid, I’m not unreliable, I’m not rude, I’m not impatient…. I could go on.

Although I am sad for the younger me, who didn’t realise that actually she just had ADHD and she in fact, was a f*cking superstar… I’m grateful that I have finally been able to realise that I am a good person.

My ADHD doesn’t define me, but it most certainly has allowed me to forgive myself, and has helped me understand my life better, and who I really am as a person.

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Next week we’ll be going back to the self-care series and I’ll be talking about sleep, so make sure you keep an eye out for that.

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I hope you find what I write interesting, helpful and sometimes funny! And if you do, I'd love it if you shared what I am saying with others.

Applications are now open for coaching with me, if you would like to apply please follow this link: https://tally.so/r/3NV5bO

Carly x